True Review
Current Issue Number 83 Vol.26   January 2013

A Semblance of A Man

(Or, Some Things Carlin Forgot)

I am only a football fan. There is no other legitimate sport. Really. Here’s why.

With homage to his wonderful “Baseball Versus Football” standup classic, George Carlin forgot a few things.

*          *          *

Here’s what separates real sports fans from baseball fans.

As in baseball, you have to have the courtesy when you are the home team in the bottom of each inning to wait until the poor blokes who step up to bat can pop, strike, fly, or otherwise beat themselves out.

What makes this sport spectacularly boring is there are no turnovers. In baseball, you have the top of the inning; in football, you have turnovers.

In football, you have the “hurry-up offense” or the “shadow offense.” In baseball, we have to wait while guys at the pitcher’s mound fix their cap, wipe their ears, scrub their hands on the rosin, adjust their trousers, swat at the flies, and wait for 10 different pitching signals from the catcher. And then, of course, you have to wait for the batter to tap 3 times on the plate with the bat, adjust his bling, fix his cap, wipe the insides of his ear, adjust his footing, fix his bling again . . . adjust his footing again . . . and in all that time in football, there would be about four plays, including spiking the ball and maybe a touchdown or field goal or two. What clothing do football players have to adjust? Where’s their bling? Is playing with bling LEGAL in the NFL?

There’s more, George. We have in football “neutral zone infractions” or a player “lined up in the neutral zone.” Conjures up images of “Star Trek’s” Federation in the “neutral zone,” a place that would give you the heebie-jeebies even without a Klingon War Bird blasting at you as it appears out of nowhere. What is the equivalent in baseball? Nothing. There is absolutely nothing in baseball that would scare anybody. Except perhaps the excruciatingly S-L-O-W pace of the game.

We have, in football (as an Eagles fan, anyway), the Body Bag Bowl, a Monday night football game featuring the Eagles, playing at their home stadium at the time, Veteran’s Stadium in Philadelphia, against the Washington Redskins. It was Veteran’s Day weekend, a game where the Eagles’ defense was so harsh on the visiting Washington Redskins that all Redskins QBs were taken out of the game to injuries. The ‘Skins were down to one of their receivers as QB. This is war out on the gridiron, folks, where people get hurt and sometimes badly. Hardly a concussion in all of baseball. Football, way too many concussions. Football is literally head-knocking. What is baseball -- knuckle-knocking?

Football also has the “Hail Mary,” since you have to pray to win sometimes. It has the “long bomb” of course. There is probably far more cursing on the football playing field in a single game than there are in 161 games in baseball.  Not saying that’s good – it just is.

Even the women in the few professional women football games could kick the crap out of any baseball players that came onto the field.

So there you are, George. It takes a special man (or woman) to be a man at this sport.

Andrew M. Andrews

In This Issue

Best Science Fiction and Fantasy 2012 THE YEAR’S BEST DARK FANTASY AND HORROR 2012 Lilith Everything Is Broken

The Doctor and the Rough Rider Click on Book Cover for Review Fairy Tales from the Brother's Grimm The Fractal Prince

PHANTOMS ON THE BOOKSHELVES After Rome Shelf Life At the Edge of Waking

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