True Review
Current Issue Number 83 Vol.26   January 2013
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
   

A Semblance of A Man

(Or, Some Things Carlin Forgot)

I am only a football fan. There is no other legitimate sport. Really. Here’s why.

With homage to his wonderful “Baseball Versus Football” standup classic, George Carlin forgot a few things.

*          *          *

Here’s what separates real sports fans from baseball fans.

As in baseball, you have to have the courtesy when you are the home team in the bottom of each inning to wait until the poor blokes who step up to bat can pop, strike, fly, or otherwise beat themselves out.

What makes this sport spectacularly boring is there are no turnovers. In baseball, you have the top of the inning; in football, you have turnovers.

In football, you have the “hurry-up offense” or the “shadow offense.” In baseball, we have to wait while guys at the pitcher’s mound fix their cap, wipe their ears, scrub their hands on the rosin, adjust their trousers, swat at the flies, and wait for 10 different pitching signals from the catcher. And then, of course, you have to wait for the batter to tap 3 times on the plate with the bat, adjust his bling, fix his cap, wipe the insides of his ear, adjust his footing, fix his bling again . . . adjust his footing again . . . and in all that time in football, there would be about four plays, including spiking the ball and maybe a touchdown or field goal or two. What clothing do football players have to adjust? Where’s their bling? Is playing with bling LEGAL in the NFL?

There’s more, George. We have in football “neutral zone infractions” or a player “lined up in the neutral zone.” Conjures up images of “Star Trek’s” Federation in the “neutral zone,” a place that would give you the heebie-jeebies even without a Klingon War Bird blasting at you as it appears out of nowhere. What is the equivalent in baseball? Nothing. There is absolutely nothing in baseball that would scare anybody. Except perhaps the excruciatingly S-L-O-W pace of the game.

We have, in football (as an Eagles fan, anyway), the Body Bag Bowl, a Monday night football game featuring the Eagles, playing at their home stadium at the time, Veteran’s Stadium in Philadelphia, against the Washington Redskins. It was Veteran’s Day weekend, a game where the Eagles’ defense was so harsh on the visiting Washington Redskins that all Redskins QBs were taken out of the game to injuries. The ‘Skins were down to one of their receivers as QB. This is war out on the gridiron, folks, where people get hurt and sometimes badly. Hardly a concussion in all of baseball. Football, way too many concussions. Football is literally head-knocking. What is baseball -- knuckle-knocking?

Football also has the “Hail Mary,” since you have to pray to win sometimes. It has the “long bomb” of course. There is probably far more cursing on the football playing field in a single game than there are in 161 games in baseball.  Not saying that’s good – it just is.

Even the women in the few professional women football games could kick the crap out of any baseball players that came onto the field.

So there you are, George. It takes a special man (or woman) to be a man at this sport.

Andrew M. Andrews

In This Issue

Best Science Fiction and Fantasy 2012 THE YEAR’S BEST DARK FANTASY AND HORROR 2012 Lilith Everything Is Broken

The Doctor and the Rough Rider Click on Book Cover for Review Fairy Tales from the Brother's Grimm The Fractal Prince

PHANTOMS ON THE BOOKSHELVES After Rome Shelf Life At the Edge of Waking

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Dog in the Manger

DOG IN THE MANGER:

DOG IN THE MANGER, by Mike Resnick. Seventh Street Books (www.prometheusbooks.com), 2012, 201 pp., $13.95. ISBN 978-1-61614-710-5 (click to purchase)

Eli Paxton, PI, is hired to locate the number one Weimaraner dog in the country. He is on the trail to many locations – and ultimately to his hometown, Cincinnati.

Andrew M. Andrews
Bloodman

BLOODMAN:

BLOODMAN, by Robert Pobi. Thomas and Mercer (www.amazon.com), 2011, 429 pp., $14.95. ISBN 978-1-61218-213-1 (click to purchase)

Jack Cole, FBI independent contractor, deciphers the language of murderers by reconstructing three-dimensional crime scene models in his head. This talent is exhausting, to say the least. Jack’s own father, a noted painter, is suffering from Alzheimer’s; and his paintings reveal, bit by bit, a killer called the Bloodman.

Andrew M. Andrews
Revelations

REVELATIONS:

REVELATIONS by C. Dennis Moore. Necro Publications/Bedlam Press (www.necropublications.com), 2012, 377 pp., $15.95. ISBN 978-1-47000-171-1 (click to purchase)

Geoffrey, an experiment in cryogenics, has been asleep, in suspended animation, for 50 years. Now he wakes up to a new world and hell on earth.

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Cyberpunk

CYBERPUNK:

CYBERPUNK, ed. by Victoria Blake. Underland Press (www.underlandpress.com), 2012, 436 pp., $15.95. ISBN 978-1-93716-308-2 (click to purchase)

All the classic cyberpunk stories are contained in CYBERPUNK, stories by such cyberpunk greats as William Gibson, Bruce Sterling, Cory Doctorow, Rudy Rucker, David Marusek, Jonathan Lethem, and others.

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The Sinner Cover

BE MY ENEMY:

BE MY ENEMY, by Ian McDonald. Pyr/Prometheus (www.pyrsf.com), 2012, 269 pp., $16.95. ISBN 978-1-61614-678-8 (click to purchase)

Everett Singh and the crew of the airship Everness have taken a Heisenberg Jump to a random parallel plane, going from different earths (iceball earth as well as through Earth 4 and Earth 1), to devise ways to rescue his family from the clutches of Charlotte Villiers and the Order.

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Ash

ASH:

ASH, by James Herbert. TOR (www.tor-forge.com), 2012, 693 pp., $29.99. ISBN 978-0-7653-2896-0 (click to purchase)

David Ash, ghost hunter/parapsychologist, is sent to a Scottish castle to investigate bizarre hauntings. The forces could also be responsible for a murder in the castle. Ash must use all his talents to combat the demons.

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Burning The Middle Ground

BURNING THE MIDDLE GROUND:

BURNING THE MIDDLE GROUND, by L. Andrew Cooper. BlackWyrm Publishing (www.blackwyrm.com), 2012, 321 pp., $15.95. ISBN 978-1-61318-138-6 (click to purchase)

When he returns home from school, Brian McCullough finds that his 10-year-old sister has murdered their parents. A journalist, Ronald Glassner, visits years after the tragedy, to Kenning, Georgia, to write a book on the tragedy. But Glassner stumbles into a war between two churches while even more demonic events continue to plague Kenning.Andrew M. Andrews


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Ghosts

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GHOSTS: Recent Hauntings, ed. by Paula Guran. Prime Books (www.prime-books.com), 2012, 477 pp., $15.95. ISBN 978-1-60701-354-9 (click to purchase)

Steampunk III

STEAMPUNK III:

STEAMPUNK III: Steampunk Revolution, ed. by Ann Vandermeer. Tachyon (www.tachyonpublications.com), 2012, 418 pp., $15.95. ISBN 978-1-61696-086-5 (click to purchase)

River of Stars

RIVER OF STARS:

RIVER OF STARS, by Guy Gavriel Kay. Roc (www.penguin.com), 2013, 645 pp., $26.95. ISBN 978-0-451-46497-2 (click to purchase)